forgiveness

“They Did the Best They Could”

The table was littered with crumpled napkins and dessert plates bearing the remains of a homemade strawberry dessert. Our bellies were full and we’d settled into some some real talk–the kind that happens when long after your done eating you sit around the table with those you hold dear and who trust you with the burdens weighing on their hearts.

One of my oldest and dearest friends sat across the table still grieving the loss of his father. As we reminisced I mentioned how much I loved a particular photograph of the two of them. In it, they were captured at a big box store in a town far away engaged in some very childish behavior. They were clearly having great fun evidenced by their beaming faces. Both were laughing. The reflected joy was palpable.

“I loved to make my Daddy laugh,” he said, wistfully, “but, now there’s so much anger.” I saw pure sadness in his lowered eyes. Some hard things had transpired leaving he and his family to suffer sorrow, betrayal, disappointment and an ongoing battle against bitterness that would have been understandable had they succumbed. They hadn’t, but these were hard times indeed.

“He did the best he could.” I responded, hoping to ease his pain.

His response was soft yet swift, “Oh, but, he didn’t.” There was no sign of satisfaction in his eyes over this proclamation. Only sorrow mixed with regret. This conversation took place well over a year ago and I confess it still rumbles around my mind and in my heart.

I don’t know that I will ever mindlessly use that phrase again. Even now if I overhear it somewhere, I hear his response in my head: “Oh, but he didn’t.” We are so quick to say “they did the best they could.” But, was my friend right or was I? Did they do their best? Or, in fact, is that just a trite response when we have no other explanation to soothe ourselves? Is it a myth we use for self-comfort when others have disappointed us with their actions or lack of them?

Do any of us consistently give our best, even to those people and things we love most? Likely not. For a myriad of reasons, we fall short. We fail to be the mothers, fathers, spouses, children, friends, etc that we’d like to think we are or want to be. Because, my friends, wanting doesn’t make it so. If we aren’t intentional about what we do, we too will fail.

I can’t become a master chef by watching the Food Network and wishing I could emulate their skills. Nor can I just post photos of beautiful dishes on Instagram under the moniker “InstaChef.” No. I need to go to the market, purchase the required ingredients, follow the recipe step by step and even then, I may not get the desired result. So, I’ll to try again until I’m satisfied. What may happen down the road is that I grow over confident and fail to read the recipe carefully. I may (because I can be careless) omit a crucial ingredient or use too much of another. I won’t have intended to fail, I just took my eyes off the recipe.

“So we must not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we don’t give up. ” Galations 6:9 Holman Christian Standard Bible.

“We must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it.”
Hebrews 2:1

Growing up I spent many summer days at the beach, body surfing for hours with my cousins and siblings. Often, I would come out of the water to discover my carefully placed towel “missing.” Upon further examination, I was surprised to view exactly where I had left it. I had been oblivious to the fact that the current had subtly caused me to drift a significant distance from where I had entered the water. Unbeknownst to me I had veered off course without noticing that I had lost sight of my home base. We are strongly warned in the book of Hebrews that if we don’t pay attention, we are in great danger of just drifting away. When we do, we will inevitably fail to give our best.

I hadn’t intended to lose sight of that towel, but, neither had I kept my eye on it. I was distracted by the sun and the waves and my company. When that happened, I effortlessly drifted. When we get distracted by the cares of life, we can easily move away from doing our best for ourselves and those we love. My friend was right. His Daddy, though he most certainly loved his boy dearly, also failed him in some pretty significant ways. He could have done better. He didn’t always do his best. I think he drifted from the shore and lost his bearings for a time. The result for my friend has been some high hurdles to jump over. You and I all have, or will have, similar mountains to climb in our own lives. But our good God is gracious to heal our wounds, day by day, as we lay them before Him.

There will always be a mountain to climb
…and hurdles to conquer

So, what about that “unfinished business?” What about those for whom it’s too late? Too late to give their best, too late to give us their time, their affection, their encouragement, their unconditional love and faithfulness, their provision for our needs. What about that? How are we to come to terms with our disappointment, anger, sorrow and regret, knowing there will be no reconciliation here on earth?

Illustration by Margaret Armstrong from Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s
Sonnets From the Portuguese

We can still love and forgive those who’ve failed us in their weakness. We can hate how they hurt us, overlooked us, put others ahead of us or responded from paranoia. Also, when they acted foolishly, selfishly, thoughtlessly or in anger. We don’t need to pretend things were other than they were. We can’t rewrite history. We can’t change what was or wasn’t done, but, for our own healing we can choose to release what we wanted and acknowledge what we actually had. In doing so, we can grow in grace and in mercy, with eyes wide open, to cross over the bridge of forgiveness to the solid ground of peace with God and with man. This is no way negates the wrongs done to us or the heartache we feel, but frees us to repent of our own sin of unforgiveness and to receive the peace that passes all understanding and the healing of our broken hearts.

How can I be so certain of this? Simply because, I’m a sinner, too. I’ve had to release others from the weight of my own unforgiveness, knowing that while I may not make the same mistakes they did, I will surely make my own and so will you. We may, in fact, sin by overcompensating where we were failed. If we were never told “I love you” we may well say it too casually. If we were punished harshly we may err on the side of permissiveness. If we were not adequately provided for we may be prideful in meeting the needs of those we love in a manner far beyond what is reasonable and healthy. Because, we, too, are still being transformed. For that, God allows us a lifetime. As we submit ourselves to His care and leading, He will lead us home where all our tears will be forever dried. In our own lives we can choose to be vigilant, to fix our eyes on Jesus in the earnest hope that others will recall that we did indeed do our best.

It’s a worthy goal.

Sidebar: Even healed wounds hurt from time to time, so, don’t lose hope when yours do. Press forward and through. In the meantime, may I suggest you look into God’s Word for comfort and guidance? Here are some verses to get you started on the road to forgiveness and healing. It’s not easy, but it’s simple.

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. Col. 3:13-15a NLT

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and agner, harsh words and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ forgave you. Eph. 4:31-32 NLT

Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. Micah 7:18 NIV

And whenever you stand praying, you must forgive anything you are holding against anyone else, and your Father will forgive you your sins. Mark 11:25 Phillips

Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Sins of Omission and Other Prisons

We all have  our secrets– the myriad of things we’d just as soon forget.  Airing dirty laundry is not our favorite thing.   So, instead we skirt around our past failures  and hide things in our present lives.  We wear masks so as to appear as if we have it all together.  In truth, we all hide scars and failure and  sorrows, but, more often than not, even when we’ve moved past them and maybe even made restitution, we are still prisoners to our own shame.  No one wants to shine a light on that muck, right?

 

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Shine some light...

I grew up in an extended family where many stories were swept under the rug.    If there was something that might be perceived as  dark or shameful, it was hidden.  Whether an unplanned pregnancy, a mysterious death, a divorce, or maybe even a college prank turned bad,  all were  swept under a massive rug.  Things were withheld because “it would kill your father, (or mother, sister, cousin, grandmother, etc.)  if they knew.”  Hence, we learned there were some things you didn’t share, own up to or ask about.  Failure was not to be discussed, but hidden away from curious eyes.  We had images to maintain.

I remember for much of my life, hearing others share of their own failures, wrong turns, foolish mistakes, etc, and being amazed at the openness of the one  honestly confessing their negligence.   It wasn’t until I grew much older and (hopefully) wiser, that I realized shame is a prison of its own making.  What we run from, hide behind closed doors,  or otherwise intentionally conceal, will ultimately control us.  It will hold us in bondage, causing us to believe that others won’t accept us and embrace us if they know the shame we carry.

The truth is, our failures make us human.  Olympic Skater, Scott Hamilton, said recently, “If I had to list the ingredients for success, the greatest single ingredient would be failure.”   Instead of seeing failure as  an inevitable bi-product of living, we see it as something to be ashamed of.  Some  failures ought to  bring shame, but, the story doesn’t need to end there.   As we walk through our lives, if we are truly engaged in life, interacting with others, learning, growing and taking on new challenges, we are going to make mistakes along the way.  Some are more consequential than others to be sure, but, we will all fall down  at some point and need a helping hand to lift us up.  Most of us, if we are truly honest, will admit to past and sometimes present behaviors that are shameful and we wish we could undo.  I know that’s true for me.  But, do-overs are not always possible.  Shame is a good thing, when we’ve done wrong.  That said, it should not hold us captive, and it doesn’t have to. Instead it should propel us to seek forgiveness and change our behavior.

While we can’t undo the cause of our shame,  there is always the opportunity to be redeemed.    No matter how far we fall, there is good to be found in acknowledging, repenting (which essentially means, making a u-turn and heading in the opposite direction) and even in sharing our failures.  To do so, is to take off our masks, to be real, unvarnished and unpretentious– to be human. When we share our failures with others, it gives them hope that they too will survive their indiscretions.  We look at others from the outside, thinking their lives are perfect, that they’ve never been wounded or scarred, but that’s a bold-faced lie.  When we allow others to see us as we truly are,  we give them permission to admit to their own deficiencies and to have hope that they too can overcome them.

I find it  very telling that my last post,  (One Good Decision) wherein  I shared the very rocky road that lead to  our 40th (sort-of, read it!) anniversary,  received more responses than anything I’ve ever posted on Facebook.  I didn’t share every intimate detail of our life together, but, enough that it was clear we  had made a lot of stupid mistakes that could have been fatal to our marriage.  I was so gratified by all the loving feedback from so many of you and the opportunity to be free of any notion of hiding it.   The proverbial cat was  out of the bag.  Such freedom! The weight is lifted  once you make that u-turn, seek forgiveness and accept your own frailty.  Only then can one move forward, unencumbered by the weight of shame.

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Set that kitty free!

If you are still carrying baggage that is weighing you down, drop it!  If you’re still imprisoned by past shame, behaviors and/or failures, consider letting your cat out, too.  Joseph,  in the book of Genesis, was sold to slave traders by his own brothers.    Imagine their shame and their relief when years later Joseph  said to those same scoundrels, “What you meant for evil, God meant for good.”  That is perspective, my friends.  Whatever you’ve done, whatever hole you’ve crawled out of, God can use it for your good.  So ‘fess up.  Set that kitty free.